It’s been almost a decade since we elected Barack Obama, yet how deeply flawed we still are! America is unjust and unequal; Americans are intolerant and selfish. The solution is to Make America Whole Again by electing a woman to achieve what our first black president failed to do: namely, to satisfy everyone’s needs through government programs and to transform us all into progressivism-loving hobbits.
Of course, we have made tangible progress. Obamacare’s shortcomings have brought us one giant dinosaur step closer to universal health care. Leading the world from behind, with our appeasement of former enemies like Iran, has allowed us to atone for war crimes against terrorists. A sluggish economy is a price we’re willing to accept in exchange for more free stuff and less inequality.
The case for Hillary is that she’s familiar enough with the world of politics, and by that I mean the establishment, to complete Obama’s noble projects. The Clinton Machine’s tentacles are already firmly wrapped around every sphere of influence that counts. It will prevail where Obama’s professorial detachment led to clashes with Republicans and government shutdowns. It will put an end to cultural discord, with youthful proselytizers of social justice gospel erecting safe spaces from sea to shining sea. Educators, journalists, HR departments, and social media user policies will continue to receive moral support from the White House, making sure no one’s feelings get hurt by rude conservatives or woefully ignorant bakers. Now for the icing on the cake: Hillary will finally make life fair for the recipients of government handouts and make it harder to accumulate offensive wealth.
Hillary’s ties to bankers who already have offensive wealth may not seem wholesome, but they will prove valuable in making us more whole. Everyone knows that financial stability can only be achieved by strengthening ties between Wall Street and Washington. In exchange for opportunities to impart their objective wisdom to far-reaching legislation, bank CEOs will gladly accept higher tax rates. A little bit of corporatism in exchange for a little more socialism. It’s a win-win!
Two obstacles stand in the way of progressive transformation: our depravity and our liberty. Bigotry is deeply rooted in America, requiring our elected officials to lecture us constantly about discriminatory pay gaps and bloodthirsty police officers. America will not be whole again until we put an end to the racist practice of criticizing radical Islam. There are tens of thousands of future Americans in Syria, and they’re basically the same people as the pilgrims who arrived here on the Mayflower. It would be un-American not to bring them over and sign them up for Obamacare.
The Constitution, and especially the Second Amendment, impedes progress at every turn. The Founders were oppressive patriarchs and their principles, including freedom of speech, are triggering for enlightened souls with college degrees. Obama has crafted an ingenious new tradition, which Hillary will surely continue: simply ignore the self-evident myths contained in the Declaration. We can reference the Founders’ revolutionary zeal to justify left-wing change and the more violent elements of the Black Lives Matter movement.
Why not Hillary? It will take an establishment figure to finish what Obama started, which is to generate consensus against our founding principles and manage our well-deserved national decline. The rest of the world will love us for it.